Reality
Saturday, December 16th, 2006i’ve always thought dat frenships r meant 2 last 4ever. till now. how vr wrong i was.
ever since my 1st day in secondary schl (ijc), i’ve been rather.. how d’u call it.. on d shy side… no. don’t laugh. i’m serious. i’m too shy 2 talk 2 ppl, mk frens, coz these ppl r all my seniors… i felt little. i did wat i was told. i never questioned wat i was ordered 2 do. most of my classmates (then) referred me s d nerdy gal who wears her skirt too high. lol.
those days, i found some frens.. frens i could laugh wif, share gossips, go lepak-ing, teasing… i was so, so glad dat i have these ppl, n i was rdy 2 do anythg, anythg at all, 2 b accepted. 1 mite say dat i’ve become sum sorta slave. not exactly a slave. jz dat they lk 2 bully me ard. i dun mind. honestly i dun. i admit, sumtimes they mite’ve crossed d line, but mostly they’re nice ppl.
7 yrs later… which is now. they’re among my best, best, best frens of all frens. but i’ve always wondered… y can i not tell them my deepest fears, secrets? y can’t i tell them exactly wat i think? d solution’s been staring rite at my face 4 quite some time d, but i refuse 2 accept it. they’ve been using me. no, i told myself. they accept me. we’ve been together for 7 yrs, 4 god’s sake!! y? y stick 2gether 4 so long, if u can’t tell them evrythg? i.. i lk being wif them! but do they lk being wif u? could they possibly b laughing behind ur back? laughing at ur ignorance? ur stupidity? wat then? wat r they laughing at? … u. u’re trying 2 please them, aren’t u? u’d do anythg 4 them, won’t u? u dun hav ur own free will 2 say no. dat’s ur biggest problem.
it’s true. i’ve realised. perhaps i’m trying too hard 2 please others. i must’ve looked lk an idiot…
but i can never change. i’m a hypocrite. i noe, n dat’s jz d way i m. i fear, if i tried 2 correct my attitude, i’ll lose everythg i hold dear 2. n then, life is not worth living. i’d rather die than being frenless. so, let’s begin another day. another day of gnawing worries, yet another day of dat beautiful, beautiful moment laughing alongside them, accompanied by d slightest pang of sadness n sorrow.
